Since I was about five I can remember I liked that I could see my ribs. Weird thing right? I was always small because I loved to run, even then. I was the one beating the boys and running an extra lap because I wanted to be better. At age 5.
Years later, about third grade, I noticed I was gaining weight. We had moved and it was too damn hot to go outside. like 110 degrees. Fourth grade, started at a new school, and that’s when I noticed, I was kind of chubby now (I wear a smaller size now than in fourth grade to 10th grade). So I started doing sports. I noticed a change, I felt better and I loved the running and the sports and the friends that came with being on a team. I was still self concious though, I was 5’7” in the sixth grade, and got my period at 11 when the rest of my grade was still 4’ something and 70 pounds. I felt like I stuck out. So I tried to eat healthy and for a long time that worked just fine.
Until 7th grade. I was running cross country and playing on a competition soccer team (as a starter) and that’s when hell broke loose.
I was good. I was fast. I loved running for no reason but to run. Then one day I felt pain. I had major tendonitice in my Achilles tendon, so bad than one morning I went to get out of bed and I fell to the ground. My leg just gave out and I had to sit out the rest of the season. This was in October of 2003. This is also when my dad started commuting to the bay area for his job so I only saw him on the weekends… when I had to be holed up in my room with all of my homework. Did I mention I still ate like I was running 30 miles a week +the soccer practice and game every week? the soccer I had to quit.and looking back, I’ve always had depression, but the sports kept it away for many years. The depression came seeping out in this time. I didn’t see my sports friends, I was gaining weight, my dad was gone, and depression reared its head, all in this one month. I had no chance. One day I ate too much, my stomach hurt, and with no intentions, I spontaniously threw up. Like when you have the stomach flu and it just happens. Well the problem was, I just kept doing it. I could purge the sadness.
Track season rolls allong in that spring and my ED gets better because I have my running. We broke a school record in a relay, a bunch of little 7th graders (middle school was 7-8th). And I did prettty damn well for myself. Then the tendonitis came back. this time in both acheillies tendons and shin splints in both shins (shin splints are when the muscles in your calf and the surrounding areas contract hard enough to cause tiny fractures in the bone). But I at least finished the season. Even after dislocating my ankle and running on it.
In the summer, I restricted, not very successfully I might add, and continued the purging. I think by now I was on an anti-depressant as a last resort, nothing really helped.
8th grade. cross country again. I had come back stronger. I was one of the top runners in our area. But after three races, I was done. tendonitis spread again, shin splints were back, and my knees were bad
9th grade. High school. I tried again to run. I was even in track PE but all the injuries (we’re at five now) came back plus a sore hip flexor ( couldn’t lift my leg more than two inches off the ground) and tendonitis in my IT bands(7 now), the biggest tendon in your body, runs on the outside of your leg from knee to hip. hurt like hell. Was kicked out of track PE without being told, and my ED took over. I was 14 then, still havent been able to consistently run since.
At 16, I ended up in the ER. I went in the night before my bday so I went in 15, left 16. Had symptoms of a heart attack and panic attack. To this day I have an irregular heart beat, one I never had before, and it plays jingle bells on heart monitors. At 16, I damaged my heart. Probably forever. And it only got worse after that. Getting your wisdom teeth pulled is a great excuse to not eat but I went down to 105 at 5’7”. but I remember feeling fat. My boyfriend (since 06, who I am still with) was the only reason I felt pretty at all, Because he knew, and tried to help me in any way possible.
At 18 I somehow got better. I honestly don’t know how, but I think it had alot to do with my boyfriend’s help. No one else understood and I didn’t have any girl friends to talk to.
But after 5-6 years of bulimia, my hair is finally growing back, even after 2 years of being “good” my nails are still brittle, my enamel on my teeth is see thru, and I still have low self esteem. Some days I can get a glimpse of what others see, but most days I’m left in the dark.
And I am currently on my fourth round of physical therapy. total of 12 different injuries, 9 of which randomly act up. I hope I can run again, because everytime I could run, my ED’s hold on me lost its grip, I want to loose that forever.